beautiful, funny, sad & true

As part of the ‘best of 2007’ series–the pictures will follow sometime soon–here are some of the highlights of the year from BFS&T. It was fun to go back and revisit some of these again, although if I had a nickel for every entry that I titled ‘crazy week’ or ‘super busy’ or ‘phew’ or something like that, I’d have. . .a total of. . .well, actually, I don’t know how much money I’d have. But I did learn at some point that I needed to work on my titles.

Anyway, here’s the list:

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December – third grade memories
There are also a few good dreams to be found in December’s archive.

November – taking my blog back
That was a very strange month. I got a fun new hobby, and had some very unusual life experiences too, which–as a nice side effect–hopefully makes for interesting reading.

October – birthday week
October was busy and interesting, and this was the obvious entry choice for the month. Lots of other good entries, though.

September – five-day weekend
The beginning of the month was a whirlwind like August was, but pretty much the rest of it was spent recovering from the huge heartbreak and the whirlwind gigging and traveling schedule of July and August.

August – Nevada trip
Boy, August was brutal. September was, too. It was tough to decide which entry to use as the commemoration, so I chose the most memorable and positive one. I guess if you’re interested, you can go back and check out the other stuff. There’s plenty. I wrote more in August than I did in any other month.

July – week in review
This month was quite possibly the busiest one of my entire life. Tons of interesting gigs, my amazing friend and partner in crime moved away, a family beach vacation. . .this was another tough month to decide which entry to choose.

June – Yakima trip
First genuinely good time I’ve had in Yakima for as long as I can remember, so it is worthy of special mention here. For as busy as July was, and as dark as August was, I have to say that June was pretty great.

May – Mount St. Helens Day
This one is going to get mentioned, too, because it’s a classic:
glad I wasn’t a girl that day
I also went to Seattle, and there’s a good entry about that too. And pictures!

April – a month, disguised as a week
(See also: a week, disguised as a day)
Started out good, then I got blasted open in the middle of the month. After August, this was the craziest month of the year. I also had one of the best gigs of my entire life. Lots of good pictures for you to enjoy.

March – I’ve got ‘The Fever’, Off the Clock
Young Immortals song makes it onto a Starbucks CD. Woo hoo! Lots of pictures and fun times that month, too.

February – OK, All You Dream Interpreters, Vol. III
February was a bit of a roller coaster, with lots of sorta random writing. Although I never write about this subject, work was particularly terrible and stressful back then, and I was out with Then-Girlfriend-Now-Ex a lot, so that didn’t leave as much time for writing. But this dream is one of the most interesting I’ve ever had.

January – Iron Horse
My first band, while I was in high school and a little bit into college. Other than this, January was much like February as far as blog content is concerned. Lots of good pictures, though.

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I hope this is fun and/or interesting to read. It was fun to make, so there you go. I also want to let you know that I really appreciate you reading BFS&T, and I hope you have a happy, lucky, prosperous and fulfilling New Year.

I’m heading up to Seattle tonight, to spend the weekend with my brother and his family. I’m also going to bring some guitars, so I can play with my friend’s band. It’ll be the first time I’ve seen him in about twelve or thirteen years.

I have to work on Monday (LAME!), so I’m driving back from Seattle on Sunday, then if I feel up to it, I’m going to drive back up there after work. I also have to work on Wednesday, so I’ll be driving back on Christmas Day.

One more reason I’m sick of having a day job.

There are about a thousand more; I won’t bore you with all of them, don’t worry, but this whole week has been ridiculously exhausting and stressful. It didn’t used to be this way. I never used to dread going to work, but now I find myself doing that almost every day. I’m always cranky by about 9:30 or 10:00 in the morning, sometimes even earlier than that.

But that’s neither here nor there.

The good news is that I’m gonna have a fun weekend with my brother’s family, and I also get to reconnect and play music with an old friend. I also get to play four hours worth of songs that I’ve never played before. It’s gonna be hilarious and fun.

Time to pack up the car and get outta here.

This whole morning, one of my friends and I have been having a very deep discussion via e-mail about the trials and tribulations of relationships, and ‘connecting’ with the kind of people that we want to connect with, and all that sort of thing.

One of the main topics was about knowing how much to ‘open up’ at first. Neither of us is shy, but both of us are super-introverts, which can sometimes make social situations difficult, and sometimes even impossible. When you factor in all the ways in which people can get hurt by each other, it can make certain aspects of life very challenging.

One of my particular challenges is opening up and just speaking to people. I’m not talking about the variety with a capital S, like in a lecture or something, I’m just talking about opening my mouth and having a decent conversation with a group of people, and resisting the impulse to clam up all the time. It’s not as if I’m not thinking of things to say, but I learned at a very early age that my opinions weren’t of any value, and that feeling has been hard to shake, even to this day.

Writing–about anything–is obviously not a problem for me. The fact that you’re reading this right now is proof of that. I feel like I have a good ability to effortlessly find exactly the right tone and words for a given situation. Doesn’t matter if it’s a Relationship Discussion or my thoughts about global warming. Comic, tragic, serious, or informative, or any combination of the above, I’m perfectly capable and comfortable, and I’m able to make it all sound like my own ‘voice.’

But if you walk up to me at InexpensiveOrganicGrocery and ask me something–especially if you’re with a group of friends–I’m going to get tongue-tied, awkward and jumbled in a way I never normally get. It’s because I got shut down so much and so early–by everyone; family, friends, even a few people that I’ve dated–that sometimes I just need to shut other people out.
It’s certainly not that I’m such a great fan of being by myself, it’s just that being around too many other people keeps me on guard so much of the time, and it’s exhausting. Lots of times I do manage to leave my guard down, but it doesn’t take much to raise it back up again, and then I’m pretty much tuned out.

The good news is that things can change. It takes re-training and constant vigilance, but it can be done. And once that starts to happen, there’s no going back.

A few years ago, I was at a party with a bunch of co-workers and their friends, and after about an hour and a half, I was feeling miserable, and having a strong urge to leave. “What’s wrong with me?” I thought, fairly viciously. “Why can’t I just sit here and have a good time? Everyone else here seems to be.” Finally it dawned on me; I wasn’t having a good time because they were horrible people, and not people that I wanted to be around. My thought turned out to be correct; they only seemed to be having a good time. Once I realized all of those things, I left, and didn’t go out with that particular group again.

I have people in my life now who I completely trust. I have some that I’m trying with, but the jury’s still kinda out. I’ve had to let some people fall along the wayside. I’m working on it. Sometimes it takes time to know what the right thing to do is. All I know is that I want to have a happy and successful life, surrounded by people who I respect and care about, and who respect and care about me too.

But sometimes I have doubts and setbacks. I’ve been feeling a lot of them lately.

If you ask me about them, and if I can tell that you’re genuinely interested, I’ll be glad to share them with you. I may trip over my tongue, or not know what to say. I might not even know what I really think until I’ve had some time to process everything. I may not be as eloquent or lucid as I would like to be, either, but I want you to know that I’m trying.

My feelings and opinions ARE valuable, and I have things to say.

This is a roundabout way of saying that all of this is my New Year’s Resolution. To take myself seriously, but not be so hard on myself at the same time. To open up and not shut down so easily. To have a happy and successful life.

Today is the one-year anniversary of BFS&T. Actually, to be more accurate, it’s the one-year anniversary of this incarnation of it, because I’ve had a MySpace blog of the same name for two and a half years longer than that. I still use it for a few things, but this one has definitely taken over and become the main one.

Lots has happened in the last year. I learned how to take much better pictures, for one thing. This year’s ‘best pictures of the year’ entry will be quite a step up from last year’s.

This year’s musical accomplishments have been a step up, too. The Young Immortals–whose CD I produced and played on–have had a song picked up by WorldFamousCoffeeCompany, and radio play all over the country. There are even some radio stations in France and Ireland who love and play TYI. There are teenage girls who make videos of themselves singing TYI songs and posting them on WebSiteThat’sLikeTV. This past spring, summer and fall, I made enough money at music-related endeavors that I could have quite easily lived without my day job. Too bad about the whole winter season, though. There’s always a huge drop-off then, and I’m still trying to figure out how to make things happen in that time.

Cello-ness has been steadily improving as well. This year has seen the cello become one of the primary instruments I’ve been called to play, both live and on various recordings. That has caused a certain amount of anxiety for me, since some of my friends are among the best cellists in this town, but I’m also not stupid enough to turn down great opportunities that come my way, either. If it’s something I can play, I play it, and I appreciate every gradual step up.

Romantic relationships continue to be a bit troublesome for me. The one this past year was one of the ones that really changed both of our lives, though, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain too much. As one of my friends likes to say, “You’re just making room for the one that’s the right one.”

Overall, I’d say that things are going really well. Goals? Yes, I have a few. Keep improving myself as a person and as a musician, take more ‘chances’ in my life, TRAVEL MORE, reach out more and be a better friend, take my music career to the next level (and figure out what I want that next level to be), and also to take better care of myself.

Oh yes. . .and of course, to keep blogging steadily. I expect you to help keep me accountable in these endeavors.

Here’s to the next year!

1. caught a cold

2. went to see my friend Keith (he and I were in Dirty Martini together last year) with his jazz group called the Blue Cranes at a tiny but great place called Valentine’s. They tore it up. Awesome show.

3. stayed home from work on Tuesday. Coughed my lungs out and just generally felt crappy.

4. went to work on Wednesday, but went home sick at lunch time. Met Joan for lunch. First time I’d seen her in a week. Went home, napped for a while, then went to Todd’s play reading.

5. went to work and stayed all day today. Going to BoringFish’s house for dinner. We’re making it ourselves, yo.

So that’s the latest. I didn’t forget to write, just haven’t had much to tell about lately. Except the fact that this anime series I’ve been watching–called Haibane Renmei–just keeps getting more and more beautiful. If I can find it for sale, I intend to buy it.

Bad news about my Christmas holiday. I’m going to Seattle for the weekend, and I was planning to stay from Friday night to Tuesday night. I just found out today that my workplace is open on Christmas Eve, so that means I’m not going to be able to be in Seattle on the actual Christmas Day, like I was planning to. Grrrrr. Have I mentioned recently how much it sucks to have a day job? Cause it does. It’s really starting to get in the way of my life.

I suppose that’s good, because it means that I have a life. It would be infinitely worse to have nothing going on, but it sure does make for tricky scheduling and frustrating disappointments sometimes.