Q & A
What’s your birthdate?
The day on which I was born.
Why do you think you were born?
Probably because my mom and dad had sex a whole bunch of times. Did you mean what do I think I was put on this planet to do? To change the world with a song.
Why do clowns scare people?
Cause they’re pedophiles, homophobes, racists and misogynists. And pickpockets.
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
I can’t imagine how that could possibly help anyone, but yeah, I’d do that. It wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice for me now, since my hair’s so short, so let’s say that I would have done it back when I had Mullet #2, which was the longer of the two mullets I used to have.
How did you and your Number 2 friend meet?
That’s just gross. I don’t make friends with poop.
What songs do you sing in the shower?
I only sing the Psycho theme, over and over, very loudly. Nothing wrong with that at all.
What is your favorite book?
The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.
Do you have unlimited texting?
Yes. Try me. I will text you back an unlimited number of times.
What jewelry are you wearing?
I have a Prince Charles. I’m lying. I think it’s funny to call a Prince Albert a Prince Charles, especially since I don’t even have one.
Do you chew on your straws?
Nope, I’m always too full after eating all of those fingernails.
Do you curse a lot?
Not really. I’m pretty judicious with my cursing, but sometimes it’s completely appropriate, and there’s nothing better. I bet you were expecting me to work an epithet into this answer, weren’t you?
Do you believe in love?
That’s a really crappy song. Shame on you.
Do you think your wasting your time on the person you like?
Looks like someone could use a primer on the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re.’
Who was your eighth-grade English teacher?
Mr. Fusselman? Maybe? I don’t remember. My ninth grade English teacher, on the other hand, was really great. We read A Midsummer Night’s Dream and I learned all the forms of the verb ‘to be’, which I can still recite to this day. (Try me!) I don’t remember eighth grade nearly as well or as fondly.
What is your favorite movie from the 80’s?
This is tough. It’s either ‘Better Off Dead’ or ‘Say Anything,’ or possibly ‘This is Spinal Tap,’ but ‘Heathers’ and ‘Pump Up the Volume’ are right up there too. And who could forget ‘My Dinner With Andre?’
How do you walk?
Like an Egyptian. Sideways, with my head, legs and arms stretched out on each side in order to show as much surface area of my body as possible, so that my image will be more ‘complete’ in the afterlife. Well, you did ask.
Say something totally random about yourself.
“Something totally random about yourself.” Oh, seriously? Okay. I bet I can play the glockenspiel better than you can. It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true.
Would you go in public without looking dressed up or put together?
I do often, especially on weekends. I’ll go to the coffee shop or the store, and I’ll be unshaven and wearing my crappiest sweatpants with paint all over them, and I’ll invariably find myself waiting in line with the ten most beautiful women in Portland. It KILLS me.
What is your favorite line from a song?
MAN, that’s hard! I think I’m going to have to go with a song by Thomas Dolby:
Some words are sad to say, some leave me tongue-tied,
but the hardest words I know are, ‘I love you, goodbye.’