This morning, I had a very strange and funny dream.

* * * * *

I leave my apartment and as soon as I walk outside my door, I see that my neighbors are all having a collective yard sale.  Other people in the neighborhood are contributing to this sale as well, so it’s really a huge collection of things.  I see two accordions, one on the ground and one on top of a display shelf, so I grab the one off the shelf and put it on.  I see the price tag and notice that it says ‘$1,000.00’ on it.  The accordion itself is made of cloth, and is covered with jewels.  I’ve never seen one like it before, so I try to play it, but it’s extremely difficult and, I decide, not worth the extravagant price.  I take it off and continue to walk through the sale.

As I do, I find that the sale is taking place inside a large, open room that is connected to a bookstore.  There is a coffee shop in one side, and people are sittting at little tables, reading newspapers and watching the plasma-screen television that’s on the wall.  My childhood friend Jason is there, and he tells me to “Look at this!”, and shoves a newspaper in my face.  There’s a story about global warming, and a new phenomenon called flaming glaciers down in Antarctica.  There’s a chart that reads:

GLACIERS:                                                        PERCENT:

  • affected by global warming:                                 33
  • mildly affected:                                                   22
  • completely unaffected:                                        44
  • other (flaming, etc.):                                           ??

I don’t know what to make of this ridiculous chart, so I hand the paper back to Jason, who points to the TV, where they’re showing footage of a glacier, belching smoke and steam into the air like a volcano.  I walk away and decide to go home.

[At this point in the dream, there is another scene which I can’t remember well enough to recount, in which I’m sitting on a gigantic green sofa in my living room.  A young woman walks up behind the sofa and says to me, “You know James?” She has an accent, possibly Russian or eastern European.

“From work, you mean?  Yes.”

She starts to cry.  “He said that you’re one of his great friends, and that you should call him right away.”  She walks away, sobbing.  I turn back around to where my housemate in the next room.  He looks over at me and I give him an I-don’t-know-what-the-heck-that-was-about-either kind of shrug. ]

I turn on the TV to watch a movie with my friend StudioJim, who is sitting on the other end of the sofa.  I’m on the left end and he’s on the right.  The movie starts.  “Man, it’s really cold in here,” he says.

“It’s fine on this end.  We should totally switch.”  We don’t move, but continue to stare at the screen.  I start to nod off.

“Hey,” he says again.  “You really want to switch ends?”

“Oh. . .yeah. . .sorry, must’ve dozed off a little.  Yeah, let’s switch.”  We still don’t move.

Finally I get up and go to my room.  I go to bed, and just as I’m about to turn off the light, Housemate does something that my brother used to do when we were little (and which I’d completely forgotten about).  He walks right next to the bed and falls over sideways onto me.  Full weight.  Suddenly I see a huge transparent moth flying around the light in the kitchen, so I point at it and say to Housemate, “Uhh. . .sir. . .there’s a huge moth over there.”

He immediately jumps up, runs into the kitchen, grabs the moth, brings it back into my room and stuffs it under the covers, laughing.  I sit up and freak out, yelling, “Gah. . .what’d you do that for, you penis hole?!”

* * * * *
‘Penis hole’.  Where in the world did THAT come from?  I woke myself up laughing.

In real life, those are words that I don’t think I’ve ever heard in conjunction before, and it would have never occurred to me to put them together, but it totally makes sense somehow, and you’d better believe that I’m going to find opportunities to use that description every chance I get.  Feel free to use it too, but if you do, all I ask is that you give credit where credit is due.