valuable
beautiful, blogging, love, sad, true 1 Comment »This whole morning, one of my friends and I have been having a very deep discussion via e-mail about the trials and tribulations of relationships, and ‘connecting’ with the kind of people that we want to connect with, and all that sort of thing.
One of the main topics was about knowing how much to ‘open up’ at first. Neither of us is shy, but both of us are super-introverts, which can sometimes make social situations difficult, and sometimes even impossible. When you factor in all the ways in which people can get hurt by each other, it can make certain aspects of life very challenging.
One of my particular challenges is opening up and just speaking to people. I’m not talking about the variety with a capital S, like in a lecture or something, I’m just talking about opening my mouth and having a decent conversation with a group of people, and resisting the impulse to clam up all the time. It’s not as if I’m not thinking of things to say, but I learned at a very early age that my opinions weren’t of any value, and that feeling has been hard to shake, even to this day.
Writing–about anything–is obviously not a problem for me. The fact that you’re reading this right now is proof of that. I feel like I have a good ability to effortlessly find exactly the right tone and words for a given situation. Doesn’t matter if it’s a Relationship Discussion or my thoughts about global warming. Comic, tragic, serious, or informative, or any combination of the above, I’m perfectly capable and comfortable, and I’m able to make it all sound like my own ‘voice.’
But if you walk up to me at InexpensiveOrganicGrocery and ask me something–especially if you’re with a group of friends–I’m going to get tongue-tied, awkward and jumbled in a way I never normally get. It’s because I got shut down so much and so early–by everyone; family, friends, even a few people that I’ve dated–that sometimes I just need to shut other people out.
It’s certainly not that I’m such a great fan of being by myself, it’s just that being around too many other people keeps me on guard so much of the time, and it’s exhausting. Lots of times I do manage to leave my guard down, but it doesn’t take much to raise it back up again, and then I’m pretty much tuned out.
The good news is that things can change. It takes re-training and constant vigilance, but it can be done. And once that starts to happen, there’s no going back.
A few years ago, I was at a party with a bunch of co-workers and their friends, and after about an hour and a half, I was feeling miserable, and having a strong urge to leave. “What’s wrong with me?” I thought, fairly viciously. “Why can’t I just sit here and have a good time? Everyone else here seems to be.” Finally it dawned on me; I wasn’t having a good time because they were horrible people, and not people that I wanted to be around. My thought turned out to be correct; they only seemed to be having a good time. Once I realized all of those things, I left, and didn’t go out with that particular group again.
I have people in my life now who I completely trust. I have some that I’m trying with, but the jury’s still kinda out. I’ve had to let some people fall along the wayside. I’m working on it. Sometimes it takes time to know what the right thing to do is. All I know is that I want to have a happy and successful life, surrounded by people who I respect and care about, and who respect and care about me too.
But sometimes I have doubts and setbacks. I’ve been feeling a lot of them lately.
If you ask me about them, and if I can tell that you’re genuinely interested, I’ll be glad to share them with you. I may trip over my tongue, or not know what to say. I might not even know what I really think until I’ve had some time to process everything. I may not be as eloquent or lucid as I would like to be, either, but I want you to know that I’m trying.
My feelings and opinions ARE valuable, and I have things to say.
This is a roundabout way of saying that all of this is my New Year’s Resolution. To take myself seriously, but not be so hard on myself at the same time. To open up and not shut down so easily. To have a happy and successful life.
