beautiful, funny, sad & true

My birthday is coming up in about a month, and it’s one of the Big Ones.  I’m not particularly worried about it, especially since my life improved so much after the last Big One, but we’ll see how I feel after it’s happened and the dust has settled.

One of my friends called the other day and talked about my upcoming birthday, as well as the state of my love life, which has remained dormant for quite some time now, with the occasional dates here and there.  “If some of us chipped in to get you a prostitute for your birthday, would you be happy about that?”

I burst out laughing.  “No.”

“What if she was a really nice prostitute?”

“No.”

“Like maybe fifty bucks?”

“No.  I’m worth way more that that!  That’s not a ‘nice’ prostitute, by the way.”

“What if I got a bunch of people to contribute, and we came up with like fifteen hundred bucks?”

“I’d just ask you guys to give me the money.”  We both laughed.  “That could go a long way.  I could get a really good cello bow or something.”

Like I said, it’s still a month or so away, and choice of present not withstanding, at least he remembered it’s coming up, so I guess we’ll see what I have in store for me.  My last few birthdays have been really awesome ‘birthweeks’ of extended celebration, and I have good reason to believe that this one may be especially big.

Just to be on the safe side, though, I’d better start watching my doorstep for prostitutes.

1. Unicorns never cheat.
2. Unicorns always lend a helping hand.
3. Unicorns don’t talk to strangers.
4. Unicorns respect the Earth.
5. Unicorns are never late.
6. Unicorns aren’t conceited.
7. Unicorns don’t judge people.
8. Unicorns always give 100%.
9. Unicorns graze on peace and love.
10. Unicorns don’t do drugs.

How in the world did the universe make sure that I would stumble across this?

At lunch, Sister-in-Law told Niece that she’d always love her, until the end of time.

“When’s that?” Niece asked.

I chimed in with the type of random comment for which I’m famous (or maybe infamous) in my family.  “I’ve been watching Doctor Who – which is all about time – and the end of time is the year five billion and something.”

There was a slight pause while everyone gave that comment the merit that its gravitas deserved.

“Uncle Todd,” said Niece, quietly.

“Mm hm?”

“No one’s laughing.”

Suddenly, everyone was laughing.

This afternoon in rehearsal, I experienced déja vu for the first time in quite a long while.  I was playing the snare drum, and the five of us were sitting in a particular way, working on a particular song, stumbling over a particular section, and then working out that particular section.  It lasted almost a full ten seconds.

This reminded me that I have a drummer friend (as of four years ago, anyway) claimed to have never experienced déja vu, and to the best of my knowledge, he still hasn’t.  He revealed that fact while we were on a long road trip, the kind where you talk about everything and nothing for hours on end; it’s one of the best things about being on tour.  One of us in the group – there were six of us riding together in a motor home – had a déja vu and described to the others, and that’s how the subject was started.  The drummer claimed not to have had one, and we all fell about with shock.  “Really?  How is that possible?  How can you have made it into your thirties without having one?”

At that point, he asked us what the feeling is like, and we had a very funny time trying to describe it.  Each of us said miniscule variations on the same theme.  “It’s like you’ve experienced the situation you’re in. . .before.”

“Somehow you just know that you’ve done this thing, whatever it is, before.”

“You feel it while it’s happening; that it’s happened before.”

It was like trying to describe an orgasm, or what it feels like to be drunk or high.  Each is very difficult to explain to someone who’s never experienced it.  For the record, I’ve had plenty of orgasms, and been drunk plenty of times, but still never been high, which is probably a whole separate story in itself.

Monty Python has a classic Flying Circus episode called “It’s the Mind” that explores this phenomenon in a very funny way.

Oh, and if you’re my drummer friend and you’re reading this (assuming that you still haven’t experienced déja vu), it isn’t really like that.  It’s more like. . .you’ve experienced the situation you’re in. . .before. Somehow you just know that you’ve done this thing, whatever it is, before.  You feel it while it’s happening; that it’s happened before.

Tune in next time when I describe what an orgasm feels like.