beautiful, funny, sad & true

Well, it’s happened again; I’ve hit the proverbial wall.

After seven gigs in the last ten days (many of which were out of town), work being extremely stressful and hellish this week (despite having Monday off), and having some very heavy emotional discussions, I’m throwing in the towel. Complete exhaustion has set in.

Tonight I’m staying home and collapsing, and I believe a bath is in order.

Tomorrow the craziness will begin anew, but for tonight, I’ve had just about as much as I can handle. Time to ‘check out’ and shut down for a while.

Blissfully.

Here it comes. . .

Yesterday we had a bunch of lay-offs at work. No, I wasn’t one of them–thank gawd–but two people in my department were on the list. One actually volunteered to go. We knew something big was coming, so we were waiting all day to hear what the huge news was going to be, and who was going to be gone. We were all on pins and needles all day. I didn’t realize just how tense I was until I was at home, and I was able to breathe again.

As if I didn’t have enough to think about, it turned out that one of my friends had a bunch of ‘frustrations’ with me lately, and she hadn’t known how to tell me about them before. So we had to have that discussion. Most were valid frustrations (some were simple misunderstandings), and we ended up talking it all out, but suffice it to say that yesterday wasn’t the best day I’ve ever had.

FOR THE RECORD: If there’s something you need to tell me, PLEASE tell me. It’s infinitely better and easier that way.

Thank you.

We now return you to the witty, insightful blog, already in progress.

First things first.

I made a very difficult but necessary decision the other day. After lots of talking–and listening–to a couple of friends who I really trust, and who are in a position to know me better than most people do, I decided I need to give up the attempt to remain friends with Kelly.

This was not an easy thing to do, but it was what I needed. I still felt too hurt, but at the same time I still found myself being too concerned with her life. My instincts (not to mention my friends) told me to go away and take care of myself for a while, so I listened.

Oh. . .and guess which three Angel Cards came up the other day?

Courage
Power
Healing

So I’m focusing on those three things for the foreseeable future.

And as Joan’s grandma told her once, “You need to be with people who WANT to be with you. Relationships are hard enough as it is.”

In other news, my cello’s tuning peg started slipping again, so I took it back into the shop the other day. It’s an easy, cheap fix, and I had new strings put on at the same time.

– Warning: cello geek-out to follow. –

After using Jargar strings for three years, I’m going to try Larsens instead. I’ve been looking for a more ‘distinct’ playability, and a slightly brighter sound from my strings, so I asked for a recommendation. The repair guy told me that Larsens are what most symphony players use. Either that or Thomastik-Infelds, which are $100-150 PER STRING, or a combination of Larsens and T-I’s. Soooo I went with the Larsens. I’m going to go pick it up from the shop as soon as I get dressed and everything. And just in time, too, because I have a gig with Breanna down in Salem tonight. This show will be just her and me. Last time it was us plus violin and bass, which was awesome. Tonight I get a little more space to stretch out, which I’m really looking forward to.

Ohmygosh. One of my friends just sent me a link to my horoscope for the week, and added this prologue:

“Rob Brezny [apparently] read your blog this morning and used it to formulate a horoscope for Libra this week. I thought you should at least know that he was stealing from your life to inspire the world.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Have you ever heard of the First Law of Holes?
It says that if you get in a hole, you should stop digging. Please obey that law in the coming week, Libra. Once you realize there’s no other place to go but down (if you continue your course of action), nothing–not even your pride–should keep you committed to that course.
Now here’s the Second Law of Holes: If you are able to scramble up out of the hole before it gets too deep, you should then spend some time filling it in so that you don’t fall into it, when you come back that way in the dark.

Wow. . .that was just what I needed to hear. Er, read. Thank you for that, S. Your points and Rob’s are well taken, and very much appreciated.

I have a confession to make.

I’ve been e-mailing a bit with Kelly this week. I know, I know, I can already hear what you’re going to say. Yes, I’m wrestling with this too. I have plenty of good reasons never to speak to her again, and she’d be the first to admit that. Okay, maybe the second.

Many of my friends tell me that I’m “off the hook now”, and that I should count my blessings and just disappear. But most of those same friends were surprised and ultimately really glad that I kept in contact with Joan last year after our breakup–which was brutal–and salvaged our friendship.

So I’m conflicted. I’d like to remain friends with the Kelly I knew. At the same time, I want to move on and just forget about this whole painful, confusing mess and start fresh with somebody else.

She and I have agreed to be completely (but not brutally) honest with each other, and I’ve told her that my own hurt feelings aside, I already see huge red flags with this new relationship, and I worry that she’s going down a dangerous road. That’s about all I’ve felt the need to say. I worry about even having said that much.

I don’t want to be wrapped up in her life. I have my own to take care of, and my own heart to heal and re-open. In the meantime, I’ll keep playing all of this by ear.

But of course I miss her, and that’s what’s making everything so tricky.

All that being said, I feel better today than I have for the last couple of weeks. Maybe that’s why I felt okay to write about this now. Believe me, there have been plenty of times when I’ve wanted to just vent, either to her or on here. You know, things like, “Did you HAVE to go for a guy with dreadlocks AND tattoos?” “Did he HAVE to be a martial artist AND a kickboxer AND a dancer AND a frickin’ PILATES INSTRUCTOR?” But that stuff would have served no real purpose, except to maybe spice up a blog entry or two. And it’s not the point, anyway.

The real point is that it’s hard. I’ve had about a hundred million opposing feelings lately, and I keep trying to make sense of all of them, feel them, and let them pass. It’s been a very strange time, but I’ve certainly survived worse situations, and dealt with more difficult things.

I’ll be okay.