beautiful, funny, sad & true

Fuck.

I just saw something I wasn’t prepared for that turned my insides to ice, and made me really really REALLY depressed.

PART ONE:

Kelly’s seeing somebody else now. I found out the day before I left for Nevada. I’m not going to go into too much detail about it, but the timing of it was pretty painful. After a couple months of not seeing each other at all–but still writing a lot–she and I had started spending time together again, and enjoying being close again. After a few false starts and ups-and-downs, we were trying to figure out what our relationship was going to morph into. But it seems that she wants me completely out of her life; at least that’s what her actions are saying.

I have a good track record of remaining friends with people I’ve been in relationships with, and so does Kelly, but OUCH. I’m really reeling from all this. I do miss her and care about her a lot, even still. After ten months of being deeply involved with someone, it’s hard to make sense of everything when it comes to a complete stop. But like I wrote the other day, it helps to have a busy, fun life and great friendships to fall back on. I’ve gotten some good, straightforward advice from the people I trust. And I’ve listened.

PART TWO:

I was at work when I got Kelly’s e-mails, and I felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me. I needed to get away from the computer for a while. I went downstairs to get some coffee and take a walk outside. One of my work friends was already in line. He was with another girl who works with us, and he introduced me to her, saying, “This is Todd. He plays in that band I told you about that we have to go see.” (He came to see Stephanie’s band the most recent time we played at Jimmy Mak’s.) They asked when our next shows were, and I said, “Well, tomorrow Steph and I are going to Elko, Nevada, actually. We’re playing at the college down there. We played there last year with Dirty Martini, and had the time of our lives. I’m really looking forward to going back.” Just then our coffee was ready, so they went back upstairs to work, and I walked over to get a ‘vest’, or whatever you call those things that you put around your cup to keep the coffee warmer longer.

There was a woman waiting in line behind me, who had overheard our conversation. She asked me, “Did you say you’re playing in Elko? I have a friend who lives there. . .” She appeared to be about my age, and she had a faint trace of an accent, possibly an Irish one. She had short brown hair, and her name was Kelly. We had a really nice conversation about the friends we both have who have somehow ended up living in places and circumstances that don’t befit their temperaments and desires, and it even seemed mildly flirtatious. What would normally have happened next is that we would meet at a mutually-agreed-upon location at some specified time in the near future, but I was not in my usual state of mind, so that didn’t even occur to me. I hope she doesn’t think I was blowing her off. She seemed like a genuinely good person to know, and those kind of people are extremely rare. And who knows? We each now know that the other exists. Maybe she even reads blogs. Let’s find out:

Kelly–who I met in the Blue Heron coffee shop in Portland, with the geologist friend in Elko, Nevada–this is Todd. If you’re out there, I enjoyed our conversation very much, and would love for us to have another one like it.

There.

What I learned from the Blue Heron experience is that I shouldn’t get too disheartened about this new development with Kelly, because there are plenty of other good people waiting in the wings. They tend to make themselves known when I’m least expecting them, but they’re out there, and they want to be with me. They will appreciate me the way I deserve to be appreciated, and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I will do the same for them.

Please remind me why I have a heart.

I’m really sad.

I’ll be in Nevada for the next couple of days. Wish us luck, and a safe journey, and all that.

I’m a bit melancholy today.

I don’t think it’s anything big–most likely caused by the myriad of small worries and anxieties that have come to the surface lately, mixed with a liberal dose of exhaustion–but it’s there nonetheless, and I’m feeling it today.

It’s been a pretty decent week, though. My friend Jeannie came to visit from Virginia last week, and we finally got a chance to have lunch together on Monday. It was great to see her, and the ‘scuttlebutt’ or whatever is that she’s planning to move back to Portland in a year, after her job contract is up for renewal. Or, I suppose, NON-renewal.

The Steph Band played a show at a park down in Lake Oswego the other night, which was filmed by two local television stations. Two impossibly chipper women from the “E-Zone” came out and introduced us, telling us to “be sure to tune in and find out when tonight’s show will be aired” and all that. There were two or three camera operators, and even a crane. We all kept smiling at each other in a ‘nudge-nudge-wink-wink’ kind of way, like we couldn’t believe all this was happening for just a little ol’ band like ours. Tony Furtado joined us on guitar and banjo, and Breanna Paletta sang harmony vocals. It was about ninety degrees outside, even before the stage lights were turned on, and it seemed that every time a camera was pointed in my direction, a larger trickle of sweat would run down my face. Yeesh. I’m sure the show will be fine, though.

Thursday I was a basket case, so I stayed home and worked on my apartment. I got a couple of little lamps to go on top of the new bookshelves, and cleaned up all the random boxes of stuff that’s been floating around, some of which has been there since I moved in a year ago. I took my chair downstairs to the basement, to make more space in here, and that made a dramatic improvement. The only thing I have left to do is decide which pictures I want to get printed and framed, now that I have the perfect places for them.

Last night was S & W’s pre-wedding party. They’re getting married on Sunday morning, so last night they had a string of events for their various friends and family members to come and hang out with them. We/they started off at Vincente’s, then moved to the Lucky Labrador, then a handful of the group–myself not included–went 80’s dancing at the Fez Ballroom. It was fun, but both places were extremely loud, especially the Lucky Lab, so I could only hear about every fifth word of the conversations, which is extremely frustrating for me. I’m an introvert by nature anyway, but I AM getting better at reaching out and paying attention, so I felt very frustrated that I just couldn’t hear well enough to stay engaged. (Get it? STAY ENGAGED at a WEDDING PARTY? Now THAT’S good comedy, and THAT’S what keeps you reading this blog.)

This afternoon I’m going to record more accordion parts for Susie Blue’s upcoming CD, then Joan and I are going to see a documentary called “Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soapbox”, which I wanted to see when I went to Seattle to see Paprika a couple of months ago. It looks really great, and Joan’s one of the few people I know who appreciates a good documentary the way I do. From there, we’re going to Ikea to check out the new store. It’s all about keeping her occupied, because the guy she’s been with for the last year just started seeing somebody else, so she’s looking for ways to be out and about and distracted from thinking about all that.

We’ll see what the rest of the weekend brings, but it’s been a few days since I’d written, so I thought I should check in with you and keep you updated.

Here are some pictures of Alyssa’s last night in town, just before she drove off in the opposite direction from the sunset. Thank you, Todd Sabel, for the great pictures!