beautiful, funny, sad & true

First things first.

I made a very difficult but necessary decision the other day. After lots of talking–and listening–to a couple of friends who I really trust, and who are in a position to know me better than most people do, I decided I need to give up the attempt to remain friends with Kelly.

This was not an easy thing to do, but it was what I needed. I still felt too hurt, but at the same time I still found myself being too concerned with her life. My instincts (not to mention my friends) told me to go away and take care of myself for a while, so I listened.

Oh. . .and guess which three Angel Cards came up the other day?

Courage
Power
Healing

So I’m focusing on those three things for the foreseeable future.

And as Joan’s grandma told her once, “You need to be with people who WANT to be with you. Relationships are hard enough as it is.”

In other news, my cello’s tuning peg started slipping again, so I took it back into the shop the other day. It’s an easy, cheap fix, and I had new strings put on at the same time.

– Warning: cello geek-out to follow. –

After using Jargar strings for three years, I’m going to try Larsens instead. I’ve been looking for a more ‘distinct’ playability, and a slightly brighter sound from my strings, so I asked for a recommendation. The repair guy told me that Larsens are what most symphony players use. Either that or Thomastik-Infelds, which are $100-150 PER STRING, or a combination of Larsens and T-I’s. Soooo I went with the Larsens. I’m going to go pick it up from the shop as soon as I get dressed and everything. And just in time, too, because I have a gig with Breanna down in Salem tonight. This show will be just her and me. Last time it was us plus violin and bass, which was awesome. Tonight I get a little more space to stretch out, which I’m really looking forward to.

I have a confession to make.

I’ve been e-mailing a bit with Kelly this week. I know, I know, I can already hear what you’re going to say. Yes, I’m wrestling with this too. I have plenty of good reasons never to speak to her again, and she’d be the first to admit that. Okay, maybe the second.

Many of my friends tell me that I’m “off the hook now”, and that I should count my blessings and just disappear. But most of those same friends were surprised and ultimately really glad that I kept in contact with Joan last year after our breakup–which was brutal–and salvaged our friendship.

So I’m conflicted. I’d like to remain friends with the Kelly I knew. At the same time, I want to move on and just forget about this whole painful, confusing mess and start fresh with somebody else.

She and I have agreed to be completely (but not brutally) honest with each other, and I’ve told her that my own hurt feelings aside, I already see huge red flags with this new relationship, and I worry that she’s going down a dangerous road. That’s about all I’ve felt the need to say. I worry about even having said that much.

I don’t want to be wrapped up in her life. I have my own to take care of, and my own heart to heal and re-open. In the meantime, I’ll keep playing all of this by ear.

But of course I miss her, and that’s what’s making everything so tricky.

All that being said, I feel better today than I have for the last couple of weeks. Maybe that’s why I felt okay to write about this now. Believe me, there have been plenty of times when I’ve wanted to just vent, either to her or on here. You know, things like, “Did you HAVE to go for a guy with dreadlocks AND tattoos?” “Did he HAVE to be a martial artist AND a kickboxer AND a dancer AND a frickin’ PILATES INSTRUCTOR?” But that stuff would have served no real purpose, except to maybe spice up a blog entry or two. And it’s not the point, anyway.

The real point is that it’s hard. I’ve had about a hundred million opposing feelings lately, and I keep trying to make sense of all of them, feel them, and let them pass. It’s been a very strange time, but I’ve certainly survived worse situations, and dealt with more difficult things.

I’ll be okay.

So. . .an Update on how my weekend went.

Friday:
Met Joan for dinner and a movie. We went to a cheap (but good) Mexican restaurant on Alberta, and were both feeling too agitated to stay there to eat, so we took the food home and sat in the garden to eat, since her housemate (who’s very particular about who she invites into the garden) was gone this weekend. Went for a longish walk, came back and sat on the porch and talked more, then we watched Naqoyqatsi, which was all about war and human suffering; but in a good way, somehow. You’ll have to see it. It was almost like watching a kaleidoscope for two hours. Then it was midnight, and I had to prop my eyelids up, ‘Clockwork Orange’-style, to drive home.

Saturday:
Took my car to the shop. I ended up needing a valve cover kit (or something) for the engine, and a new rear wheel hub, so it ended up being like four hundred dollars. I was kinda expecting that, though.
Then I went to get coffee, and since I found myself with a few hours to kill, I called Joan again. We met at Grand Central Bakery, then went to do some shopping at Lloyd Center, then went and got sushi. After that, we thought it would be nice to just sit in a park somewhere, so we went to Laurelhurst Park, watched dogs (and their owners) and practically fell asleep. Around 5:00 I had to leave to go meet Sydne to get to the Robert Cray show, which was amazing. I’ve liked his music for a long time, but if you get a chance to see him live, he’s really in his element. He’s a total master of his art. His guitar playing is so clean and cuts through even the loudest stuff his band was doing. He has a way of doing vibrato really slow, and he’ll play a long, slow note and do that vibrato, and it just changes the air. Amazing.
Riding the train home, and even after having such an amazing day and night, I started to feel really sad again. Joan had said earlier, “Call if you need to; any time,” so I did. She gave me a little bit of ‘tough love’, and that was what I needed.

Sunday:
Woke up and listened to “This American Life”, which was all about break-ups this week. Jeez, if when it rains it pours, then this weekend was a typhoon. I went to the store and just kinda dinked around for a while, trying to stay off the computer as much as possible. At 4:00 I met S & W and a couple other friends, and we went to see the movie “Stardust”, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was based on a Neil Gaiman book, and it was a fairy tale about a boy becoming a man, or a man becoming his real self, and finding love, and all that. Really fun way to escape for a while. Then we went to a place called Appethaizing for dinner. (Get it? It’s a Thai restaurant! Har har. Those Thai restaurants are almost as clever as hair salons when it comes to cheesy names.) The place didn’t look like much from the outside, but the food was wonderful, so I’ll definitely be going back.
Got home and wanted to stay off the computer, so I started watching “War Games”, which Sydne loaned to me, and I hadn’t seen in about a million years. YOU know, it’s the one with Matthew Broderick, and he’s like 16 or something, and he’s a computer hacker who breaks into the National Defense system to play a simulation? Anyway. I didn’t finish it because Joan called in tears. (Remember how she’s going through the exact same thing with her ex that I’m going through with Kelly?) I’ll spare you the details, but I ended up having to return the favor and give her some tough love in return. We were on the phone for two and a half hours, and as soon as I got off the phone with her, BoringFish called. By that time it was like midnight, and I wasn’t sleepy. Or so I thought. I went in and intended to watch the rest of the movie, but fell asleep on the sofa for a while.

Today:
Feeling a bit wrung out. Not sad, exactly, but not far from it, so I’m trying to be good to myself and encourage other feelings. I’m getting my hair cut on my lunch break, because I have a big show with Stephanie tomorrow, and I want to look my best for that, for sure.

Anyway. . .that’s the latest. Please keep sending me your good thoughts; I appreciate the ones you’ve been sending me so far.

Yesterday I found this on Craigslist and bought it:

I’d been looking for a set of those for quite a while. Another week, another musical instrument for the collection. Sometime I’ll have to post the list of my instrument collection on here. That’d be fun, and I daresay it would drop your jaw.

My whole M.O. for this weekend is to keep myself busy.

Busy to keep myself from thinking about painful things; from spending too much time on the computer looking at things that will only hurt me more and confuse me more; from comparing myself to people I have no business comparing myself to; from thinking horrible thoughts about myself, et cetera.

Those things are all things that we do when we are hurting, but they’re not GOOD things, and I’m trying not to go down those roads. Some times I’m more successful than other times. I’m still feeling really sad, but I know that I have friends who care about me, and who have no patience for self-pity. Those are the people I need to be around right now, until such time as I find those feelings in myself again.

Tonight is a dinner and a movie with Joan. She’s really been there for me, which is especially interesting because right now she’s going through the exact same situation I am, so we’re able to sort of grieve and feel hurtnangry and still help each other out at the same time.

I have some down time tomorrow morning, which I’m a little worried about, but I think I’ll do okay.

Tomorrow night is a concert at the ampitheater at the Zoo. My friend Sydne has an extra ticket to see Robert Cray and Keb’ Mo’, and apparently I was the first person she thought to invite, which is really nice. (Thank you, S!) Anyone who’s talked to me about music at any kind of length knows that most types of blues-based music bore me to tears, but both of these guys are people whose music I really like and am genuinely impressed by, so I’m very excited to go. And of course, it’ll be great to spend some real-world time with Sydne. Somehow we only see each other a few times a year (Isn’t that weird?), but we e-mail like maniacs pretty much every day, so we’re always caught up on each others’ lives.

Sunday afternoon I’m going to see the movie “Stardust” with S & W and a couple of other friends, and then we’re going to dinner at Pok Pok, a Thai restaurant I’ve not been to before which was voted Restaurant of the Year this year.

So.

It promises to be a suitably fun and distracting weekend. And next week I have four gigs; three with Stephanie and one with Breanna. Nothing makes me feel better than that. One of the gigs with Stephanie is up in Bellevue, so after I’m done I’m going to my brother’s house north of Seattle, have dinner and stay overnight with them, dink around in Seattle for a bit the next morning, and then come back on Friday in time to stop at home for a bit, load my instruments in the car, and drive to Salem for the gig with Breanna. Now that’s what I call distraction.

I also need to remember to take my car into the shop one of these days. It needs a tune up or something, and the wheel bearings are really noisy too.

Anyway.

What I’m trying to say–by way of China–is to please send all your good thoughts my way. I need some cheering up. And if you know of any more good distractions, I’m all ears. Or eyes. Or whatever.

Sorry for the entry last night.

I don’t want my blog to be weighed down with that kind of negativity. Thankfully, I don’t feel that way very often. (I mean, jeez, the F-bomb? That’s rare for me.) It was the surprise of reading something Kelly wrote that sent me spinning off into space.

I was going to remove my entry from last night, but I decided to keep it up. The internet never forgets, anyway.

Kelly’s clearly done with me, and been done with me for quite some time, despite some of the things she’s said and done, even very recently. While I’m still really confused and hurt about the whole turn of events, I hereby declare this particular chapter over.