beautiful, funny, sad & true

Boy, you can sure tell when I get super busy, because I’m not able to write for a few days.

The last couple of days have been crazy, with work right to a gig each night. I’ll have some more time to write tomorrow, hopefully, but I’m going to brunch with one person, and dinner with another, so it might have to be in the evening.

I got invited last night to play a gig tonight with Tony Furtado. Tony’s a slide guitar and banjo player; one of the best in the country, in fact. He and Stephanie play together–they do live together, after all–so he and I have shared the stage plenty of times before. This show will be a little different, though, since it’s Tony’s show instead of Steph’s. I’m honored to be playing, and I think it’ll be really fun.

I’ve been feeling better this week than I have for the last few. I’m starting to feel better about the situation with Kelly; I miss the good things about our relationship, and there were plenty, but it was really difficult a lot of the time too–eating disorders are vicious–and I certainly don’t miss that. There are still times I miss her, of course, but by now I pretty much feel like myself again, and feel like I have things to offer to someone who will appreciate them. That’s the hardest part about a rough break-up; the way the littlest things can get under your skin and fester.

ANYWAY.

I’m going to go crash for a while before the show. I was supposed to meet Andrea for dinner tonight, but I was feeling too exhausted and sleepy to be any kind of good company, so we rescheduled for tomorrow night.

Talk to you soon; I hope all’s well with you.

I came across this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson today:

“Those who cannot tell what they desire or expect still sigh and struggle with indefinite thoughts and vast wishes.”

It really rang true for me.

Something tells me that RWE wrote it from the position of omniscience–as if he knew exactly what he desired and expected, and he therefore assumed that the readers would know as well–but I’ve struggled my whole life with indefinite thoughts and vast wishes. I’m working on defining them all the time, though, y’know?

Whether it’s ways I want to be treated (and ways I treat my partner, too) in a romantic relationship, things about myself that could use improvement, paths I want my career to take (and what I need to do to create them); a million things.

I’m working on believing in myself enough to do all these things; that’s what I think it boils down to. Do I trust myself enough to do what needs to be done?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. In some ways I am infinitely strong and resilient. In other ways, if you so much as threaten to bend me, even a little bit, I break.

I’m not bummed out or anything, I’m just ruminating here.

I had a really nice weekend. The Young Immortals, Lauren, Valerie, Michael, Joan, Susan, John, and Renee all made their way into this weekend. And I still had time to sleep for twelve hours each night. Nicccccce.

There are two Breanna shows this week, both of which are Breanna/cello/violin. Should be a blast, as per usual.

I feel like I’m rambling now, but I just felt compelled to write and let you know that the weekend was relaxing but really nice, and I got to see a lot of friends I haven’t seen in quite some time. And on that note, can I just take a minute to say how proud I am of Jake, Mike, and Scotty of the Young Immortals? They were amazing to watch the other night, and their hard work is really starting to pay off.

I found these on YouTube tonight. They’re videos of songs by the Young Immortals; “The Fever” and “Motive”, respectively. Totally surreal for me, because Jake and I recorded these songs in my old apartment last year. He wrote the songs, and the two of us played all the instruments. Now “The Fever” is on a Starbucks compilation CD, and there are teenage girls making videos. CRAZY.

Cool!

Still it’s surreal, especially for an introvert such as myself. But ultimately, the music speaks for itself, much better than I ever could. “The Fever” is a smash hit.

Yeah, that last one was funny and everything, but now it’s time for a more ‘real’ entry.

I’ve been feeling a little strange all week; a little bit lonely, a little bit sad, and a little bit exhausted from work. I’ve even thought about writing to Kelly again lately, but I still don’t think that’s a good thing for me to do, so I’ve resisted that impulse.

In a way, I’ve been so busy these last few weeks that it sort of kept me from feeling the loss of that relationship, but now that my schedule has eased up a bit, I’ve had more time to feel it, and I’m not gonna lie; it’s been hard lately. Luckily, I have friends I can call to talk about it with, and who understand. But there are still some quiet times when I find myself missing her.

Tonight I went to another play reading with Todd Sabel and his theater group. The play they read was called “Dirty Water”, and I took my accordion and provided improvised background music and sound effects (WATER sound effects, no less. Who knew?). The play was written a couple of years ago by a local playwright named Devon Granmo for his college thesis. Hilarious and strange play, and even though it’s been performed before, it seems like it might actually be a work in progress. The playwright was there at the reading with us, which was really interesting. He stopped the group once or twice during the reading to say, “Oops. . .I forgot to change this part. Start HERE and then go BACK and start at this OTHER section.” He also asked for feedback from the group afterwards. If some pictures float up to the surface–and I have a feeling they will–I’ll be sure to post them here.

Oh yeah. . .there was something else interesting that happened at the reading. There was a woman there who wasn’t at the last reading I was at, who apparently plays the cello. When Todd introduced us, she asked how I found out about the theater group, and I told her Todd invited me to come play at one of them a month ago, and that I played cello the last time. She said, “You play cello? How would you feel about playing with twelve other cellists?” “You mean the Portland Cello Project?” I asked. “I’d LOVE to. I’m friends with Skip and a couple other people, and I’d love to come play.” “Well, they’re looking for new members; you should come down.” “Count me in, DEFINITELY.” The Portland Cello Project, if you haven’t seen them before, is an amazing group. I’ve been wanting to go and play with them for almost a year now, but so far I’ve been too busy with the bands I’m already in. Now that it’s fall and I have a little more free time, I’m going to take that opportunity, for sure. Groups like PCP are the reason I started playing cello in the first place.

The rest of the week has been pretty uneventful, quite frankly. I’ve spent much more time than usual at home, cleaning my apartment (which was long overdue) and trying to relax and deal with the hundreds of different feelings I’ve been feeling lately.

The moral of the story is that I think I could use another hug.

Every once in a while, you meet someone who you think may play a very important role in your life. I think I may have met one of those people today.

His name is Peter Vaughn Shaver, and he’s an entertainment lawyer who, in addition to working with many of the biggest names in the Portland music scene, gives occasional lectures and workshops telling people about their rights, and how they should take care of themselves if they want to have a career in the music business.

I spent two hours today getting my mind expanded, and in the near future, I’m going to book some time with him on my own to talk about production-related issues. I feel like I’m right on the cusp of some serious life-changing (and maybe even career-changing) events. I don’t know what they’ll be, and I don’t even want to guess, but it’s definitely real and I’ve been feeling it for a few months now. Growing pains, I think.

I’m definitely someone who believes that when you’re ready for them, opportunities that had previously gone unnoticed suddenly start to appear, often out of the blue.
They usually seem to manifest as people who are in a position to help you, or make you aware of things you weren’t aware of before.

That’s how I feel today, and it’s a very exciting feeling. Lots to think about.