lovely spam, wonderful spam

funny 1 Comment »

How much do I love spam?

Apparently I love it very much, because I’m posting this message. This week I’ve gotten two e-mails with subject lines that stood out from all the rest.

“Add inches to your johnson effortlessly!”

and

“Fatten up your trousersnake.”

‘Fatten up your trousersnake?’ Who would say a thing like that? This kind of thing seems to be purely an e-mail phenomenon. I’m trying to imagine a scenario involving a door-to-door salesman using that as his pitch, or a paperboy back in the 1920’s holding a newspaper aloft and shouting, “EX-tree, EX-tree! Read all about it! Add inches to your johnson effortlessly!”

And of course, the word ‘johnson’ always reminds me of the nihilists in the movie The Big Lebowski. They’re the ones who interrupt Our Hero’s bubble bath, ask him repeatedly, “Vere’s the money, Lebowski?” drop a marmot into the tub and say, “Ve vill cut off your JOHNSON.”

What a strange morning. I’ve only been up for twenty minutes, and I’m already thinking about johnsons. I wish I wasn’t, so I’m going to eat, have coffee, and put on some music. I can’t decide what I’m in the mood to listen to. . .Revolting Cocks? Whitesnake? Tool? Big Black? Helmet? Mr. Big?

So many choices. . .


ha ha

three out of four is still pretty decent

funny, true No Comments »

I wouldn’t call it beautiful, but it’s certainly funny, a little sad, and true.

I came across this story yesterday about a guy who heard a woman screaming for help in the apartment upstairs. So he grabs his sword, runs upstairs and bursts into the apartment, only to find a guy sitting alone watching a porno. The police arrive, take him to jail, take his sword, and charge him with a bunch of pretty heavy-duty charges.

I think they should all be dismissed.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s all about intent. He went up there to save a damsel in distress. If it had been a rape, Our Hero would probably be getting knighted right now, instead of becoming a character in an obscure (but still very witty and insightful!) blog halfway across the country.

A toast. . .to James Van Iveren.

He did the right thing–albeit in an unusual way–in a moment when most people would have stuck their heads in the sand. Let’s hope all the charges get dropped.

the supposedly abridged version

beautiful, funny, love No Comments »

I’ve been trying to compose an entry to describe what this weekend was like, and I have to admit that I’m at a bit of a loss. Instead, I offer you the short version of the story.

Saturday I volunteered to work some overtime, and after that I took a drive up the Columbia Gorge to take pictures, which you’ve seen. On Sunday, Kelly and her roommate moved, and I helped. Her car battery (actually it turned out to be the alternator) died, so her car wouldn’t start and we (with quite a bit of help from her dad, gorblessim) had to figure all that out. Then we went to the Pied Cow and shared an AMAZING brownie boat. (Brownies, vanilla ice cream, and raspberry sauce. Nuff said!) Monday, we continued with the moving, and then we had to make a trip to Kaiser Permanente, which ended up taking two and a half hours (yes, we’re both okay).

And as a hopefully funny aside, here’s what happened later that night and the morning after.

Around 2:00 a.m., Kelly woke herself (and me) up with a coughing fit that consisted of a dry, hacking cough every 10-30 seconds for the next 45 minutes. I kept expecting it to end, but it never did. At some point, the sleep deprivation was setting in on me, and I asked if she needed a glass of water? Some cough syrup? Maybe a pair of socks or a cork? Ha ha. She opted for the water and cough syrup, and actually went right to sleep after the cough syrup. She remembers none of this, by the way. Phew! :)

In the morning, we had to get up extra early since I had to drive her to work (cause of her car battery) and get myself back to MY work by 8:00. At 6:30, I brushed her shoulder and serenaded her with an a capella version of the Ben Folds Five song, “Satan Is My Master.” When this elicited no response, I said, “Okay, but don’t MAKE me try to wake you up by speaking in an Australian accent.” No movement. Insert Australian accent here:
“I hea-ah thet woild kaingaroes have stawted fayd’n Fahstah’s bee-ah to th’ thai-nee bai-bee jao-eys. FAHSTAH’S. Royght in th’ JAOEYS. Bleydin’ trejeday! Beytah get ahp ‘n’ tayke cayeh th’ sit-choo-ai-tion.”

Still nothing. Nobody appreciates this stuff less than Kelly does. :) I laugh and resume my normal voice. “Aw c’MON. . .this is great comedy, and you’re missing it!” Exhales. Rolls over.

Incidentally, I always thought that “by the time I’m twenty five, I’ll be married and have a house and kids and all that. And I SURE won’t do all those ridiculous accents anymore.” Well, eleven years later, the accents are still going strong, and all that other stuff is still quite a ways off. And that’s fine with me.

* * * * * * * * * *

P.S. – As promised, here’s the ‘trans-LAI-tion’ for all you ‘am-EER-icans out there:
“I hear that wild kangaroos have started feeding Foster’s beer to their tiny baby joeys. FOSTER’S. Right in their JOEYS. Bleedin’ tragedy! Better get up and take care of the situation.”

Takin’ care of Mr. T

beautiful, funny, sad, true No Comments »

Today was a day to hold myself to my New Year’s resolution. Not the ‘find a studio space’ part, but the ‘take care of things more’ part. I went to the store this morning and bought a few things that will make it easier for me to keep my car clean. Incidentally, I also washed my car–IN THE RAIN–this morning. As soon as I was done, the rain stopped, so I cleaned the inside. I did everything except vacuum it, because I need a really super long extension cord, and I couldn’t find one.

I also bought a bunch of ‘staple’ food, like different types of beans, beets, olives, peppers, cheeses, and tortillas so I can cook and eat at home more. I have a nice kitchen now, and I have to get into the habit of using it. If I can have most of the makings of a really good salad, stir fry or burrito here, I’ll be way ahead of the curve.

After I was done with the car, I came in and cleaned the bathroom, and I even scrubbed the floor in there. Oh yeah. . .since you saw the picture of my loaded-up car the other day, you probably noticed the rug in the back. Well, it’s actually on the floor now. AND my little surround-sound speakers are plugged in again; they’re behind the sofa. Speaking of the sofa, I want to go to Pier 1 or somewhere and find some big pillows for it, now that I have the rug down.

These are all things I’ve been wanting to do for months, and my new ‘m.o.’ for this year is to do more things I’ve been wanting to do–just because it give me a sense of accomplishment to be able to do them–and take care of things that need to be taken care of. Like old debts from about three years ago, when I was living hand-to-mouth and couldn’t afford to do ANYTHING. You may remember that time. Here’s an example:
YOU: Hey, Todd, want to go see a movie? It’s at Laurelhurst. [Movies are $3 there.]
ME: Oh, I WANT to. . .but I’ve already been to a movie this month, so I’d better not.

Or this:
YOU: Hey, Todd, my friends and I are going out to dinner, want to come?
ME: Maybe. Where are you guys going?
YOU: I dunno, how ’bout [insert the name of any restaurant here]?
ME: Jeez, I wish I could. I can’t really afford it though, and besides, I just went and bought a bunch of those ten-for-a-dollar things of ramen, so I’d better eat that. I have green onions and pea pods on it this time, so it’s practically frickin’ gourmet!

Anyway. . .some of that old stuff has started to catch up with me, so I need to take care of it.

Here’s to the year of taking care of Mister T!

Iron Horse

beautiful, funny, music, Yakima 1 Comment »

When I was in high school and early college, my friends and I had a band called Iron Horse.

Blaine used to make these hilarious tapes, where he’d sing and play guitar and make up songs on the spot, and bring them to school for me and a handful of other people to listen to. I can’t begin to describe them, but there were studio ones, mock radio shows, “live” shows (where he’d use his Casio keyboard to sample crowd noise, then he’d set up his amp and PA and everything on the back patio and sing to the hillsides behind his house). . .yes, some of those tapes still exist.

Long story short, I thought the tapes were great, and wanted to play guitar with him on some of them. Of course, this changed the sound dramatically, so we started writing “real” songs, instead of improvising. We would use a four-track tape recorder, a drum machine, and a keyboard to make some surprisingly decent recordings, and work out our ideas.

After collaborating for a while, we thought that the natural next step would be to start a band. Russ was a neighborhood friend of Blaine’s who had a really high singing voice, and he also was learning to play bass. So he was in. Eric played drums amazingly well, and after just one ‘audition’, on everything we could think of (including a tongue-in-cheek rendition of “Bark At The Moon” by Ozzy Osbourne), he was in. Tony was a friend of Blaine and Russ’s from the church they went to. He’d done lots of singing and acting, he had a really strong voice, and he could also play rhythm guitar, so he was in.

We had to come up with a name, at which point we had a problem because the tapes that Blaine and I had been making, under the name “Iron Horse”, were starting to get a little bit of attention from The Kids. So since we couldn’t come up with anything better, we decided to go with that name, even though we knew it was kinda cheesy.

Once the band was formed, we set out rehearsing and playing shows, like bands do. Incidentally, the first time I saw the movie “Donnie Darko”, I cracked up to myself. You know how its chapters are different days in October 1988? Every time one of those came on the screen, I’d think, “Hey, that’s when Iron Horse played this one show. . .!” or whatever. Hilarious.
Anyway. . .we made a good go of it for about a year and a half as a full band. If you count all those early tapes, then it was probably more like two and a half, or maybe even three years. Our lives pulled us in different directions and locations, as often happens, but we all look back fondly on that time.

We’ve gotten together a couple of times over the years, and we even filmed one of those reunion “performances”–it was really a one-off rehearsal, but we sounded better than ever, after not even playing together for six years!–and put it on television, where it ran regularly for a few months after that.

So why am I telling you all this now?

Because at some point recently, I realized that 2007 is the twentieth anniversary of the formation of Iron Horse. Blaine and I were e-mailing each other, and I mentioned that to him, and we thought it would be fun to do all new recordings of those songs. You know. . .in all that free time that we have. Since Blaine and I are both semi-professional producers and recording engineers these days, we’ll be able to make it sound really great, and have a blast doing it. The working title of the project so far is Iron Horse – XX.

Yes, I KNOW you want to hear something, or see something, or both. I don’t have a way to transfer video tapes to my computer—at least not without a lot of hassle and expense–but I do have a box full of old cassettes and CD’s floating around, and a book or two full of pictures, so I’ll find some good stuff and post it soon so you too can capture the magic of the “rock and roll juggernaut.” No. . .the magic of “Central Washington’s rockin’ machine.”

Yes, that’s it; THAT’S what we were. Or so we keep telling ourselves, even after twenty years.