beautiful, funny, sad & true

First things first.

I made a very difficult but necessary decision the other day. After lots of talking–and listening–to a couple of friends who I really trust, and who are in a position to know me better than most people do, I decided I need to give up the attempt to remain friends with Kelly.

This was not an easy thing to do, but it was what I needed. I still felt too hurt, but at the same time I still found myself being too concerned with her life. My instincts (not to mention my friends) told me to go away and take care of myself for a while, so I listened.

Oh. . .and guess which three Angel Cards came up the other day?

Courage
Power
Healing

So I’m focusing on those three things for the foreseeable future.

And as Joan’s grandma told her once, “You need to be with people who WANT to be with you. Relationships are hard enough as it is.”

In other news, my cello’s tuning peg started slipping again, so I took it back into the shop the other day. It’s an easy, cheap fix, and I had new strings put on at the same time.

– Warning: cello geek-out to follow. –

After using Jargar strings for three years, I’m going to try Larsens instead. I’ve been looking for a more ‘distinct’ playability, and a slightly brighter sound from my strings, so I asked for a recommendation. The repair guy told me that Larsens are what most symphony players use. Either that or Thomastik-Infelds, which are $100-150 PER STRING, or a combination of Larsens and T-I’s. Soooo I went with the Larsens. I’m going to go pick it up from the shop as soon as I get dressed and everything. And just in time, too, because I have a gig with Breanna down in Salem tonight. This show will be just her and me. Last time it was us plus violin and bass, which was awesome. Tonight I get a little more space to stretch out, which I’m really looking forward to.

Ohmygosh. One of my friends just sent me a link to my horoscope for the week, and added this prologue:

“Rob Brezny [apparently] read your blog this morning and used it to formulate a horoscope for Libra this week. I thought you should at least know that he was stealing from your life to inspire the world.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Have you ever heard of the First Law of Holes?
It says that if you get in a hole, you should stop digging. Please obey that law in the coming week, Libra. Once you realize there’s no other place to go but down (if you continue your course of action), nothing–not even your pride–should keep you committed to that course.
Now here’s the Second Law of Holes: If you are able to scramble up out of the hole before it gets too deep, you should then spend some time filling it in so that you don’t fall into it, when you come back that way in the dark.

Wow. . .that was just what I needed to hear. Er, read. Thank you for that, S. Your points and Rob’s are well taken, and very much appreciated.

I have a confession to make.

I’ve been e-mailing a bit with Kelly this week. I know, I know, I can already hear what you’re going to say. Yes, I’m wrestling with this too. I have plenty of good reasons never to speak to her again, and she’d be the first to admit that. Okay, maybe the second.

Many of my friends tell me that I’m “off the hook now”, and that I should count my blessings and just disappear. But most of those same friends were surprised and ultimately really glad that I kept in contact with Joan last year after our breakup–which was brutal–and salvaged our friendship.

So I’m conflicted. I’d like to remain friends with the Kelly I knew. At the same time, I want to move on and just forget about this whole painful, confusing mess and start fresh with somebody else.

She and I have agreed to be completely (but not brutally) honest with each other, and I’ve told her that my own hurt feelings aside, I already see huge red flags with this new relationship, and I worry that she’s going down a dangerous road. That’s about all I’ve felt the need to say. I worry about even having said that much.

I don’t want to be wrapped up in her life. I have my own to take care of, and my own heart to heal and re-open. In the meantime, I’ll keep playing all of this by ear.

But of course I miss her, and that’s what’s making everything so tricky.

All that being said, I feel better today than I have for the last couple of weeks. Maybe that’s why I felt okay to write about this now. Believe me, there have been plenty of times when I’ve wanted to just vent, either to her or on here. You know, things like, “Did you HAVE to go for a guy with dreadlocks AND tattoos?” “Did he HAVE to be a martial artist AND a kickboxer AND a dancer AND a frickin’ PILATES INSTRUCTOR?” But that stuff would have served no real purpose, except to maybe spice up a blog entry or two. And it’s not the point, anyway.

The real point is that it’s hard. I’ve had about a hundred million opposing feelings lately, and I keep trying to make sense of all of them, feel them, and let them pass. It’s been a very strange time, but I’ve certainly survived worse situations, and dealt with more difficult things.

I’ll be okay.

You know those little Angel Cards? The inspirational ones with a single word on them, like “Light” or “Truth” or whatever?

My friend Leila here at work has some, and every day we pick three. Or four, if two of them are stuck together. We take that to mean that we need a little extra wisdom that day.

Today the ones I got were:

Tenderness
Surrender / Openness (two cards stuck together)
Courage

Sounds like I’ve got a big day ahead, or maybe that I have some big challenges to face. Well, I think I’m ready for ’em.

So. . .an Update on how my weekend went.

Friday:
Met Joan for dinner and a movie. We went to a cheap (but good) Mexican restaurant on Alberta, and were both feeling too agitated to stay there to eat, so we took the food home and sat in the garden to eat, since her housemate (who’s very particular about who she invites into the garden) was gone this weekend. Went for a longish walk, came back and sat on the porch and talked more, then we watched Naqoyqatsi, which was all about war and human suffering; but in a good way, somehow. You’ll have to see it. It was almost like watching a kaleidoscope for two hours. Then it was midnight, and I had to prop my eyelids up, ‘Clockwork Orange’-style, to drive home.

Saturday:
Took my car to the shop. I ended up needing a valve cover kit (or something) for the engine, and a new rear wheel hub, so it ended up being like four hundred dollars. I was kinda expecting that, though.
Then I went to get coffee, and since I found myself with a few hours to kill, I called Joan again. We met at Grand Central Bakery, then went to do some shopping at Lloyd Center, then went and got sushi. After that, we thought it would be nice to just sit in a park somewhere, so we went to Laurelhurst Park, watched dogs (and their owners) and practically fell asleep. Around 5:00 I had to leave to go meet Sydne to get to the Robert Cray show, which was amazing. I’ve liked his music for a long time, but if you get a chance to see him live, he’s really in his element. He’s a total master of his art. His guitar playing is so clean and cuts through even the loudest stuff his band was doing. He has a way of doing vibrato really slow, and he’ll play a long, slow note and do that vibrato, and it just changes the air. Amazing.
Riding the train home, and even after having such an amazing day and night, I started to feel really sad again. Joan had said earlier, “Call if you need to; any time,” so I did. She gave me a little bit of ‘tough love’, and that was what I needed.

Sunday:
Woke up and listened to “This American Life”, which was all about break-ups this week. Jeez, if when it rains it pours, then this weekend was a typhoon. I went to the store and just kinda dinked around for a while, trying to stay off the computer as much as possible. At 4:00 I met S & W and a couple other friends, and we went to see the movie “Stardust”, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was based on a Neil Gaiman book, and it was a fairy tale about a boy becoming a man, or a man becoming his real self, and finding love, and all that. Really fun way to escape for a while. Then we went to a place called Appethaizing for dinner. (Get it? It’s a Thai restaurant! Har har. Those Thai restaurants are almost as clever as hair salons when it comes to cheesy names.) The place didn’t look like much from the outside, but the food was wonderful, so I’ll definitely be going back.
Got home and wanted to stay off the computer, so I started watching “War Games”, which Sydne loaned to me, and I hadn’t seen in about a million years. YOU know, it’s the one with Matthew Broderick, and he’s like 16 or something, and he’s a computer hacker who breaks into the National Defense system to play a simulation? Anyway. I didn’t finish it because Joan called in tears. (Remember how she’s going through the exact same thing with her ex that I’m going through with Kelly?) I’ll spare you the details, but I ended up having to return the favor and give her some tough love in return. We were on the phone for two and a half hours, and as soon as I got off the phone with her, BoringFish called. By that time it was like midnight, and I wasn’t sleepy. Or so I thought. I went in and intended to watch the rest of the movie, but fell asleep on the sofa for a while.

Today:
Feeling a bit wrung out. Not sad, exactly, but not far from it, so I’m trying to be good to myself and encourage other feelings. I’m getting my hair cut on my lunch break, because I have a big show with Stephanie tomorrow, and I want to look my best for that, for sure.

Anyway. . .that’s the latest. Please keep sending me your good thoughts; I appreciate the ones you’ve been sending me so far.